


Not one more second.

by GemmGemm



Series: To get behind the mask. [4]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Lyrium Addiction, Lyrium Withdrawal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-18 21:43:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9404327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GemmGemm/pseuds/GemmGemm
Summary: Poor Cullen has a lot on his plate: the symptoms of his lyrium withdrawal are becoming too much for him to bear, the truth about The Grey Wardens comes to light and he's finding it harder and harder to deny his feelings for The Inquisitor. Makers Breath! Story four in my Cullen/Lavellan series. CullenxMageInq Cullen POV





	

“Why are you avoiding Ellana?”  
“Excuse me?” Cullen asked, glancing up from the work that he'd spread out over his desk. Cassandra stood in his doorway, leaning on the frame with her arms firmly crossed over her chest. She was either oblivious to his irritation at her interruption or was disregarding it. Either answer was stretching his thin veneer of patience.  
“You're avoiding Ellana. I wish to know why.”  
“I'm not avoiding anyone. Now, if you don't mind, I have work to do.” Cullen looked back down at his desk with a scowl. The dismissal was obvious, Cassandra chose to ignore it however. She strode purposefully into the room and planted herself on the other side of his desk, tapping her foot until he looked up again,  
“Yes?” He said through gritted teeth, when it became clear that ignoring her wasn't going to make her go away.  
“You sequester yourself in here all day, barely speaking to anyone. At Haven, you and Ellana were almost joined at the hip, but since we arrived at Skyhold, you don't even speak to her, let alone anyone else. It isn't healthy Cullen.”  
“I'm just busy, as you can plainly see.” He opened his arms to encompass the mass of paper spread over his desk and the files stacked around the floor. He was behind on his paperwork again, the cold that had set into his hands wouldn't leave, making him clumsy with a pen. Everything seemed to take forever. Cassandra wasn't about to be distracted, she narrowed her eyes at him, scrutinising him carefully.  
“Have you told her about the lyrium?” Cullen's hands momentarily clenched into fists. It was barely more than a twitch but Cassandra missed very little. “As I thought.” She said, crossing her arms again. Cullen took a deep breath, the headache that seems to constantly plague him spiked pain through his eyes. He prayed for patience as he replied as levelly as he could,  
“The Inquisitor has enough on her plate right now. She doesn't need me bothering her with this. If the symptoms get worse to the point you need to replace me, then I'll tell her. Until that time it's not necessary.”  
“The Inquisitor would want to be bothered by this.” When he didn't answer Cassandra sighed and moved around to stand next to his chair, leaning one hip on the surface of the desk, “Why are you shutting her out Cullen? As the Inquisitor she has a right to know and as your friend she would want to know. Why you insist on suffering alone is beyond me.” Cassandra huffed. He winced, she had inadvertently hit the nail on the head. Why must she constantly badger me? Cullen thought. His sullen mood was counterproductive to The Inquisition, so he'd made the decision to keep to his office. He'd been quick to anger, which was unlike him, so he'd avoided the others. A logical choice in his opinion. If he could only get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep then maybe the blasted headaches would leave him alone. Who was he kidding? While his mind and body still craved lyrium the symptoms would persist. He'd accepted that, but he had no intention of dragging anyone else down with him.  
“Maybe that's the point. She's up to her elbows in everyone else's problems, I won't add to it. So long as it doesn't interfere with my work, doesn't effect The Inquisition then-”  
“Stop using The Inquisition as an excuse!” Cassandra snapped, throwing her arms up,  
“It is not an excuse!” Cullen yelled back,  
“Then why haven't you told her?”  
“Because I don't want to worry her! This is my problem! And quite frankly, I don't see how this is any of your-”  
This office door burst open and they both rounded on the scout that had walked in, his nose buried in a report,  
“Command-”  
“What?” They shouted at him in unison, bringing the scout up mid-step, he hovered there for a moment before mumbling something about coming back later and practically running back out the way he had come.  
Cullen let out a weary sigh before dropping back into his chair, not entirely sure about when he had stood up.  
“You don't want to worry her, fine. What do you think is going to happen if she finds out anyway and you haven't told her? Maker forbid your symptoms do get worse and we have to replace you, what happens then? When she finds out this has been going on for months and you haven't said a word? That's going to hurt Cullen, she trusts you.”  
He looked away, he actually hadn't thought of that.  
Cassandra's voice softened before she continued, “I saw your face in the chantry at Haven. When Ellana said she'd stay behind.”  
Cullen schooled his features, keeping his face carefully, neutrally blank, “I've no idea what you're talking about.”  
Cassandra snorted a laugh, “I was there Cullen, do you take me for an idiot? Or just blind? If there's something there, then maybe you both deserve to find out if it's worth pursuing.”  
“We're planning to fight a self proclaimed God here Cassandra, this is is hardly the perfect time.” He didn't bother trying to argue that she was wrong, Cassandra knew him well enough by now to know when he was lying. And it would be lying, he couldn't fool himself into thinking otherwise any longer.  
“And when is the perfect time exactly? None of us know how this will turn out, we could all be dead this time next week. Don't gamble today for tomorrow. If tomorrow never comes then-just trust me in this, you don't want regrets.”  
Cullen nodded, taking the point, “Alright.” He said, begrudgingly, “I'll tell her about the lyrium when she gets back.”  
“Good. And you'll think about what I said?” He rolled his eyes,  
“I'll think about it.”  
“Good.” Cassandra repeated with a nod before making her way out of his office. Cullen was surprised, he didn't think he'd ever heard Cassandra be so poetic, Don't gamble today for-wait a minute.  
“Did you steal that line from one of Varric's books?” He called as she went through the door,  
“Tell him and you're a dead man.” She called back over her shoulder, Cullen was chuckling as he went back to work. 

To be perfectly honest, Cullen had been avoiding Ellana a little. He'd obviously shown up for meetings and never failed to appear for training but that was different. Safer. He, of course, couldn't be expected to discuss the fact that he had stopped taking lyrium in public. But he had avoided being alone with her. He was fast running out of excuses as to why he hadn't told her that he, like so many other Templars, had been addicted to lyrium or that he was no longer using it. Especially since she'd been appointed as Inquisitor. It had been months since he'd stopped. He had hoped to put his past life behind him but as long as the addiction persisted he could feel it trying to claw him back. To turn him back into what he once was. He wasn't that person any more. And, more importantly, he didn't want to be. The Chantry used the lyrium as a leash, as a means of control. He wasn't going to be controlled like that again. But the lyrium was more than that, it had become a crutch. It chased away the feeling of powerlessness he'd felt at Kinloch Hold, when he'd seen each of his brothers cut down before his eyes. Friends who hadn't had the chance to die fighting as they should have, who, instead, had been butchered as they sobbed from images forced into their minds by demons and abominations. It had helped relieve the nightmares. Where he watched it happen again. And again. It had made him more: stronger, faster, braver. But it had blinded him too. He hadn't seen the injustices inflicted upon the mages of Kirkwall until it was too late. He hadn't seen what his Knight-Commander had become. It had been right before his eyes, and he hadn't seen it. All he'd seen was his duty to The Chantry. As was their intention. They'd taken his anger, his fear, and fuelled it. They'd stoked it until it was all he could see, all he could feel. They'd used it, used him. But no more. Now he could see The Chantry for what it was. He'd walked away. They couldn't control him any longer. He'd made a vow; not one more second of his life, of his fate, would be decided by anyone but himself. He couldn't change what he had done, all he could do now was atone.  
So he'd tell her.  
If she thought less of him because of it, then so be it. At least his conscience would be clear.

~*~ 

Ellana knocked before breezing into his office, “So, The Fallow Mire was awful. Undead, undead and more undead. But look what I found; a bottle of Garblog's Backcountry Reserve.” She said, waving said bottle triumphantly in the air, “You really don't want to know what I had to go through to hide this from Iron Bull, so grab the glasses and we'll-what?” She came up short, seeing the expression on his face.  
“Sit down Ellana. Please.”  
“You're being especially serious today.” He stood woodenly behind his desk as she slid the bottle on the table and sat down,  
“As leader of The Inquisition, there's something I must tell you.”  
“You can tell me anything, you know that.”  
“I-thank you.” Not helping Ellana, this was going to be harder than he'd thought. Before he could change his mind he reached behind him and pulled a wooden box from the shelf, opening the lid he put it in front of her. “Do you know what this is?” She shook her head, staring into the box. Even now he could feel the craving, gnawing on the back of his skull, making him subconsciously hunch his shoulders, the muscles of his neck aching in protest. He ignored it. “When a Templar takes his vows we have a ceremony called The Vigil. It's a time of meditation and prayer. When it's over, we're given our first draught of lyrium. And our philter. This is mine.” Her hand, which had been about to touch the box, pulled back as though burned. She looked up at him with wide eyes as he continued, “Lyrium gives Templars our abilities, but it controls us as well. The Chantry controls most of the lyrium trade on the surface, which is very convenient for them because lyrium is also highly addictive. Those cut off go mad, others die. We've used some of Leliana's contacts to provide a reliable source of lyrium for The Templars here but I,” Just say it Rutherford! “no longer take it.”  
Her mouth dropped open, “You stopped?”  
“When I joined The Inquisition. It's been months now.”  
“Cullen, if this can kill you-”  
“It hasn't yet. After what happened in Kirkwall I couldn't. I won't be bound to The Order, or that life, any longer. Whatever the suffering I accept it. But I would not put The Inquisition at risk. I've asked Cassandra to watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised I will be relieved from duty.”  
“Are you in pain?” She asked quietly,  
“I can endure it.” He replied, waving her concern away, “The important thing is The Inquisitions army. That must always take priority. Should something happen, I will defer to Cassandra's judgement.” She frowned, staring at his philter as she gnawed on her lower lip.  
“So I guess that answers the question of why we don't see many ex-Templars. Serve for life or go mad and die through lyrium withdrawal.” Cullen inclined his head but didn't reply, it was a crude analysis, but accurate, “Aside from the obvious uses in fighting magic and forging tools, what else does lyrium do?”  
“In it's raw form lyrium is extremely dangerous to anyone except dwarves, and even they only have a resistance, not an immunity. To a mage it is usually fatal. What The Templars use is lyrium in a diluted form. The feeling is impossible to describe, it makes you feel bolder, more powerful. But that power comes at a price. Over time Templars often become delusional, paranoid. It becomes difficult for them to separate the real world from that of the fade and their worst memories and nightmares haunt their waking hours. As The Templar ages he may also begin to lose his memories. It starts out small, a misplaced item, words to a song. More fades over time.”  
“Wait, back up. You can lose your memories?” Ellana asked, looking appalled,  
“It can happen, I've seen it myself. Mostly in older Templars.”  
“You lose your memories. Can you forget people? Loved ones?”  
“Sometimes. It's been known to happen.” Cullen said quietly,  
“How have they been allowed to get away with this for so long?”  
Cullen thought about it, but couldn't actually come up with an answer so he just shrugged, “It's always been this way. The Templars need lyrium to combat magic.”  
“Just because it's how it's always been doesn't mean it's right.” Years of training made him want to jump to The Chantry's defence but he bit the words back. It wasn't as if he hadn't thought the same things himself over the last few months. She closed the lid of the box with a look of disgust before turning her eyes back on him,  
“Who else knows about this?”  
“Just Cassandra, and now you.”  
“And I've been dragging Cass all over the country, leaving you to deal with this on your own.” Ellana said with a wince. “Maker Cullen, this is quite the revelation, I'm not entirely sure what to say. This must have been a difficult decision.” He almost laughed,  
“If you had seen the things in Kirkwall that I did...well, it wasn't such a difficult choice after that.”  
She looked thoughtful for a few moments, wrapping her arms around her middle and chewing her bottom lip. Cullen remained quiet, giving her time to think things over. She made a small nod to herself, apparently coming to some internal decision. Her thoughtful expression cleared, leaving concern behind as she swung her gaze back to his face,  
“Are you alright?”  
“The Inquisitions army will always-”  
“I didn't ask about the soldiers Cullen, are you alright?”  
“I-.” Violet eyes pierced his and for just a second he wanted to tell her everything, the withdrawal, the nightmares, Kinloch Hold, all of it. He'd never told anyone, it was on the tip of his tongue. To just say it all aloud, suck the poison from the wound as surely as he was purging the lyrium from his body. And she'd listen, he knew she would, she'd share the burden and he wouldn't be left to carry it alone. But then she'd know just how broken he was. “yes, I'm fine.” He said firmly. The narrowing of her eyes told him that she knew he wasn't telling the full truth but thankfully she didn't press further.  
“Do you need anything?” She asked instead,  
“No, but thank you for asking.”  
“Alright,” she said, getting to her feet, “I'll be around Skyhold for a week at least, should you need to talk.” He nodded and she headed for the door before turning around, “Just so you know, I respect what you're doing.”  
“Oh-I-thank you.” She left, pulling the door closed behind her. Cullen let out a deep breath, it actually hadn't been as bad as he'd expected.

It turned out Ellana was only in Skyhold for five days. She was in full armour when she poked her head into his office,  
“Cullen? I've got to head back to The Fallow Mire. Just saying bye.”  
“You're going back to that Maker forsaken bog? What on earth for? You've closed all the rifts in that region.”  
“Oh, don't I know it. I've only just got the smell of undead out of my hair. It turns out there's this Avvar tribe that live in the area, they took some offence to the 'Herald of Andraste' title and their leader has challenged me.”  
“Pardon? I thought you just said some barbarian has challenged you. I must have misheard.”  
“Funny. The Avvar worship nature and every aspect of nature has it's own God. Like the sky, the land and so on. They've heard 'Herald of Andraste' and taken it as an insult, especially considering the rifts and Breach that happen to be in the sky. He's taken some of The Inquisitions scouts as leverage, to make sure I show up.”  
“What?!” Cullen said, coming around his desk to stand in front of her. “You can't be serious.”  
“Completely serious. The missive arrived about an hour ago. I've already got Bull, Dorian and Sera ready to go.”  
“You're facing an entire Avvar tribe just the four of you? Are you completely insane? Take some soldiers, mount a full attack!”  
“I can't do that Cullen, he'll kill the scouts.”  
“And if you don't then he'll kill you.” Cullen couldn't believe it. She was willingly walking into a trap, again??  
“And you'll lose the only means you have of closing the rifts.”  
“This is not a joke Ellana! The Inquisition isn't what it was, we have the men and firepower to handle situations like this now. You don't need to keep throwing yourself into suicidal situations.” His temper, always so close to the surface now, flared.  
“And if he kills those scouts? That'll be on my head. And that's not happening.” She lifted her chin defiantly, it was the same look she'd worn in the chantry at Haven, the night Corypheus attacked. Pain ran down his neck as he fought to control his annoyance, “He's challenged me Cullen, not The Inquisition, me. Because I'm The Herald of Andraste, whether I like it or not.”  
“All the more reason to launch a full attack, take them by surprise!”  
“It's too risky. Those are our people, they're only there because they're serving The Inquisition. He'll see the soldiers coming and kill the scouts without a second thought.”  
“Oh, so let's just hand him The Herald of Andraste on a platter, I'm sure that's a preferable outcome.” Cullen snapped,  
“If you expect me to abandon them then you've got another thing coming.”  
“This is recklessness.” Cullen growled, “You're methods-”  
“We can discuss my methods when I get back. Right now I have some scouts to save.”  
She shut the door firmly on him before he could say another word,  
“Of all the insufferable, stubborn, Maker-forsaken, suicidal bloody women.” Cullen muttered to himself. He starred blindly at the files littering his office for another thirty minutes before realising he had just read the same report five times without taking any of it in. Giving up he grabbed his shield and practice sword and headed for the training grounds. Beating the stuffing out of a dummy or two might take the edge off his anger. If he was lucky the exercise might even shift the chill from his hands.

~*~

Ellana had been back from The Fallow Mire for two days and things were getting tense. While she'd been successful at rescuing the scouts they still hadn't discussed the argument they'd had just before she'd left. They had meetings in the war room to discuss her next expedition; checking out a lead in Crestwood that would hopefully shed light on the situation with The Grey Wardens. The meetings themselves, however, were now clearly uncomfortable for both of them. Ellana's nervous hands fluttered more than he'd ever seen them and while Leliana and Josephine were both far too polite to say anything, their frequent glances to each other were evidence enough that they'd picked up on the atmosphere. The problem was, that Cullen didn't know how to make things right without saying he was wrong. And he wasn't wrong. There were occasions where she needed to be in danger, he understood that, didn't like it but understood. But had she just never heard of delegation? The Inquisition was growing by the day, throwing herself into suicidal situations over and over simply wasn't necessary. On the other hand, he couldn't deny he missed her company, as maddening as she could be at times. He also couldn't deny that Cassandra's words played over in his head in more frequent consistency. Don't gamble today for tomorrow. 

“Do you know what this is?” Cassandra asked, dumping a thick folder on his desk. It was full to bursting with hand written notes and what looked like pages torn from books.  
“Should I?” Cullen asked in confusion.  
“This is pretty much everything ever written about lyrium. It's uses, history of it's connection to The Chantry, withdrawal and addiction, symptoms, possible treatment, effects it has on personality, herbs to alleviate pain and Maker knows what else. I've no idea where she even found most of this information, but Ellana has spent every free moment in the library since you told her about your problem. Dorian tells me he's even found her asleep in there. Twice.”  
“I-I had no idea. She didn't tell me.”  
“Of course she didn't, she's nearly as stubborn as you are.” Cassandra huffed before she pushed the folder across the desk toward him, “I don't know what's going on between you two, but whatever it is, fix it.”  
He didn't notice when Cassandra stormed from his office, slamming the door. He'd already opened the folder, leafing through page after page of information. He'd spent almost half his life taking lyrium and there was things she'd found here that even he didn't know. When on earth had she found time to do this between running back and forth to The Fallow Mire, he wondered, had she just given up on sleep and food entirely? The warmth that was spreading through his chest was quickly chased away by the realisation that while she'd been trying to help him, he'd locked himself away in his office stewing . Without another moments thought he grabbed his cloak from the back of the door and went looking for her. 

Where the hell was she? He knew she hadn't left for Crestwood yet, she was here somewhere, but he'd been all over Skyhold and couldn't find her. He could usually rely on Dorian to know Ellanas every move, but when he'd dropped by the library he'd discovered that even Dorian hadn't seen much of her the last few days. But Dorian, being Dorian, couldn't just leave it at that,  
“You're going to talk to Ellana? Thank the Maker, I'm sick of her moping about. She's no fun at all when you two are fighting.”  
“How did you-did she say something?”  
“Of course not. But unless you're walking around here with your eyes closed it's obvious. So you are going to talk to her?”  
“I'm trying to at any rate. If I can find her.”  
“A Templar and an apostate, could you get any more cliched?” Dorian laughed,  
“What are you talking about?” Cullen asked, hoping he wasn't about to start blushing.  
“Just another thing that's obvious if you haven't got your eyes closed.” Dorian said with a smile, shaking his head, “Go on then Commander, I'm sure she's around here somewhere.”  
“Oh, and just so you know,” Dorian called as Cullen walked away, “Hurt my girl, and I'll turn you into a toadstool.”  
“Duly noted.” Cullen replied dryly, heading for the rookery.

Finally he came across someone who'd seen her. She'd passed through the kitchen on her way to wherever she'd gone. The cook had pointed him to yet another passageway. It opened onto a hall that Cullen was sure he'd never been in before. Stone columns lined both sides of the room and ancient paintings adorned the walls. He forgot how big this castle was sometimes. They'd barely scratched the surface of the secrets this place held. He spotted another flight of stairs at the end of the hall and was heading in that direction when he heard a noise, a soft thump came from his left, curious he turned his head but there was nothing to see except a tapestry. But he heard the noise again, this time it was accompanied by very distinctive sneeze. He took the few steps he needed to to lift the tapestry and there was Ellana. It was a tiny hidden room, books lined every inch of wall space and littered every surface. She was sat cross legged in the middle of the floor, covered from head to toe in dust.  
“Maferath's balls Cullen, you almost gave me a heart attack.”  
“I almost gave you a heart attack? You didn't hear a tapestry sneeze.”  
“Ugh, yeah,” She said, waving her hand in front of her face. “It's a bit dusty in here.”  
“I can see that. What on earth are you doing in here?”  
“I, urm, ran out of books.”  
“Ran out of books? We have a whole library upstairs.”  
“And I've been through all the ones even remotely helpful to my research, I needed new ones.”  
Cullen stilled, “Research? You mean the lyrium folder?”  
Ellana's eyes widen in surprise, “You know about that?”  
“Cassandra showed it to me. To be honest I'm surprised she didn't hit me with it, I've been a bit of an ass.” Cullen muttered, rubbing the back of his neck and trying his damnedest not to shuffle his feet.  
Her lips quirked up, “A bit?”  
“Alright, a lot of an ass. I apologise, I shouldn't have questioned you. You're The Inquisitor, it isn't my place.”  
“Don't be ridiculous, of course you should be questioning me. Being The Inquisitor doesn't automatically make me right. Just maybe try it in a less shouty fashion next time?”  
“Shouty is not a word.” She raised an eyebrow at him, he held his hands up in a mock surrender, “But I get the point, I'll try to be less 'shouty'. I just worry. Especially when you throw yourself at impossible causes. I feel like I have to keep reminding you that you're not alone in this. We're here to help you, let us take some of the work and some of the danger. I don't want to lie awake wondering if you're dead in a ditch because you decided to storm a castle on your own. But we can't help if you won't let us.”  
“I know, I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you worry. But you have a point too, I'll try to be more careful.” She said with a small smile,  
“That's all I ask.”  
“So apologies accepted?”  
“Apologies accepted. And speaking of impossible causes,” He said, looking around the walls. “Find anything interesting?” She brightened at his question,  
“Some of the stuff in here is amazing. I'm willing to bet half these books haven't been opened in centuries, Josephine is going to go crazy when I show her this place.”  
Cullen looked round at her in surprise, “You haven't shown her already?”  
“Not yet. I couldn't tell her about this without telling her why I was researching lyrium.” Ellana said with a shrug. Cullen was touched, she was protecting his secret, “I figured I'd take all the information I needed then pretend I'd only just found it when I show the others. This place has been undisturbed for Maker knows how long, another few days won't make a difference.”  
“I don't know what to say, thank you.”  
She beamed up at him, “You're welcome. Did you have chance to look through the folder yet?”  
“Some of it.” He said, sitting on the floor next to her, “It's very thorough. You probably know more about lyrium now than half the dwarves do, and certainly more than most Templars.”  
“And why don't they know more? The Templars I mean. The Chantry hand you all lyrium because, as you said, it's how it's always been done. No one questions it. I doubt even the people in charge do any more, they're just carrying on with the same things they've been doing for centuries. But The Seekers don't take lyrium, they never have, and yet they have the power to control lyrium and magic. That's what makes them so effective in taking charge of both mages and The Templars. The Chantry has no reason to give lyrium to The Templars.”  
“Except as a means of control.” Cullen said quietly, realisation dawning.  
“Exactly. Which got me thinking; we can't do anything about The Chantry's use of lyrium, well not until I take over the world. I'll ban it as part of my new world order.” Cullen just stared at her until she rolled her eyes, “Slightly concerned you weren't entirely sure that I was joking, but moving swiftly on. So we can't stop The Chantry but we can help The Templars.” She pushed loose hair off her face and leant up on her knees to face him properly, “I've read about addiction, about how hard it is to stop. It's almost impossible. I respected what you were doing before. Now? I don't know how you've kept things together. I know I couldn't and I'll bet there's many other people who couldn't either. We have a lot of ex-Templars here now. What if we were to run some sort of program; a clinic?” When he just gaped at her she hurried on, talking excitedly, “To help them stop taking lyrium? Only if they want to of course. It's not like we don't have the space. We could help so many people get past this. Eventually, Templars that want to leave The Chantry but can't because of the lyrium might come here. We can help them, then they can either choose to stay or leave and make a life elsewhere. Now I'm starting to ramble, so what do you think? Andraste's ass Cullen, say something.”  
“Maker, you are incredible,” Cullen breathed, it wasn't until she blushed and looked away that he realised he'd spoken aloud, “I mean it's incredible. The idea. The clinic, it's incredible.”  
“The Chantry used lyrium as a means of control. But Skyhold pre-dates The Chantry, there could be texts and magic here The Chantry doesn't know exists. Magic just feels different here, I don't know how to describe it, the veil feels old.”  
“Show me what you've found.”

Hours later and stiff from being sat on the cold floor, Ellana and Cullen eventually returned to his office, laden down with books and rolls of old parchment.  
“Did we leave anything behind? It looks like we took everything in that room. Josephine will be disappointed.” Cullen said, eyeing the stack of ancient texts they'd piled in a corner.  
“Josephine will forgive us, it's for a good cause.” Ellana came up beside him, hands on hips. The ache in his neck was worse than normal after being hunched in the cramped space behind the tapestry. He stretched the muscles, rubbing it absently. Ellana tilted her head up at him, “I could help with that you know?” She said, indicating where he was still working his sore muscles. “It's caused by the headaches, you tense you neck. May I?” He nodded and she patted he edge of his desk. He perched on it's surface with his back to her, suddenly very aware of the sound of her removing her leather gloves. He sensed her hesitate slightly before her warm fingers gently touched the bare skin of his neck sending a shudder down his spine, he bit back a low moan as he dropped his head and closed his eyes,  
“I'm sorry, are my hands cold?” She asked, her voice a little husky, he shook his head silently, relishing in the feeling of her soft hands as she went to work loosening the muscles. “There's a pressure point right about.....there.” He felt the moment she found it, a sharp pain followed by instant relief, he sighed as every muscle relaxed, “Feel better?” He hummed his assent, eyes still closed, absorbing. She didn't immediately remove her hands as he'd expected her to, instead lingering, the tips of her fingers just brushing his hair at the nape of his neck. Cullen barely dared breath, knowing the second he moved she'd pull away. He could have sat there all day. All too soon he heard her breath catch as she quickly withdrew her hands. She cleared her throat.  
“So, erm, yeah, you'll talk to Rylan tomorrow?”  
“First thing in the morning.” Cullen replied, reluctantly getting back to his feet, “I know several ex-Templars that have been toying with the idea of giving up lyrium, this is really going to help them.”  
“I'm glad, no one should have to go through this alone.” She said softly, turning to face him.  
“You have dust on your cheek.” He moved his hand to her face to brush the dust away, running his thumb along her cheekbone but stilled when she turned into his palm. Huge violet eyes locked on his, heart in his throat, Cullen felt the air charge between them. Her eyes shifted down to trace the outline of his mouth before jumping back up to meet his, her gaze dark with desire. He swept a thumb across her full lower lip and her eyelids slipped closed on a shuddery breath. Cullen had never wanted anything so badly in his life, his pulse pounded in his ears as he lowered his face to hers and-the door banged open. Ellana leapt away from him as a scout marched in, Maker, couldn't anyone in this damn castle knock?!  
“Commander, Sir. Captain Rylan has been looking for you. Revisions to the training schedule, Sir.” The scout stood at polite attention.  
“I'll see you tomorrow, Cullen.” Ellana said quietly, before grabbing her gloves and hurrying out the door. Cullen let out a sigh,  
“Tell him I'll be right there.” The scout turned on his heel and marched out. Cullen sat at his desk and let his head fall back, What are you doing Rutherford? She's The Inquisitor, you're at war, it's not possible. The lyrium, for Makers sake! The voice of reason in his head had lost much of it's conviction and was now being overruled by a new, much more appealing voice, Don't gamble today for tomorrow.  
It wasn't until much later when he was replaying the days events in his mind that he realised he hadn't noticed her nervous hands all afternoon.

~*~

The lyrium withdrawal didn't seem quite as incapacitating as it had been. Using it as a positive thing for The Inquisition had made all the difference. Sure, he still got headaches, still had nightmares and all the other symptoms but turning it into a positive force, a way to help people, made it that much more bearable. Cullen wasn't entirely sure that this hadn't been Ellana's intention the whole time, but either way, he was grateful. Rylan and a few others were already cutting down on their lyrium intake with the intention of stopping entirely. It seemed every day new ex-Templars were taking notice of what they were trying to accomplish. He and Ellana had been very careful not to approach anyone directly, just a few words in the right ears had got word around. It was a powerful addiction and they had no intention of pushing anyone to stop unless they wanted to. It wasn't an easy road, they needed to be ready. With the right procedures and plans in place, Cullen was convinced it could be done safely. Adan had been a huge help. With some of the recipes they'd come across in their research he'd been able to concoct an excellent potion to help deal with the headaches; Cullen could attest to that one personally, and he was experimenting on one to help people sleep. The general change in Cullen's outlook meant that he was spending more time out of his office and being sociable with other members of The Inquisition. Playing chess with Dorian, Wicked Grace with Varric and training with Cassandra.  
So when Ellana returned from Crestwood with news of The Grey Wardens he was feeling more like himself. The news itself, however, brought him back down to earth with a bump. Ellana had called a meeting in the war room to debrief them on the situation. Coryepheus was somehow controlling the calling; the sound every Warden heard at the end of his or her life. Every Grey Warden in Ferelden, and possibly Thedas, thought they were dying. In light of this new revelation Cullen couldn't help but think of The Hero of Ferelden. She'd saved his life when she had saved the circle. A decision he hadn't agreed with at the time. But what was it they said about hindsight being 20/20? It was one of those situations where he was glad he'd been wrong. If all the Wardens were effected then, presumably, that would include the King and Queen themselves. What that would mean for Ferelden, he had no idea. He'd also met Leliana that day, he remembered. Shit, Leliana! His gaze shot to her. Her expression was as unruffled as always but she had paled slightly, her hands bunched in fists behind her back. The Hero of Ferelden was the only person Leliana truly trusted. She'd been the first person Cassandra and Leliana had tried to find when The Conclave had been called. Cullen couldn't say he wasn't glad they had been unsuccessful.  
As though Ellana heard his thoughts, she turned to Leliana, “I wrote to King Alistair as soon as we found out about The Wardens. I asked him to direct his response here, I thought you'd want to know about him and Lady Cousland as soon as possible.”  
“I-yes. Thank you.” Leliana replied, a small, tight small on her face.  
“Does it effect all the Wardens?” Josephine asked, “How about Hawks contact? And Blackwall?” Josephine had tried to make the question sound as casual as possible but as Ellana's gaze flickered over his he was forced to cover his mouth with his hand to hide his smile. They had both heard the gossip about Josephine and Blackwall. The only people who seemed to get gossiped about more were himself and Ellana. The fact that there was nothing to gossip about didn't seem to dissuade people. Though there almost had been. If that scout hadn't walked in when he had, then Cullen would have kissed her. Depending on his mood he swung from being eternally grateful at being interrupted, and wanting to find the offending scout and assign him to duties in The Fallow Mire for life. But he had wanted to kiss her, and if he wasn't completely insane, then she had wanted to him as well. He was playing with fire, but so was she. He'd told her about the lyrium, half expecting her to run but she hadn't. Granted, he hadn't told her everything, but still. Was it possible she would want him anyway? He wasn't so naïve that he didn't recognise the heat that had been in her eyes. The way she'd tilted her head to allow him to fit his mouth to hers.  
“Cullen?”  
“Um?”  
“Cullen? Are you alright?”  
“Yes? Oh-um-” He shook himself and realised he had completely zoned out while starring at Ellana in the middle of the war room. “Oh, yes. Of course, I was just thinking.” Judging by the shit-eating grin that Ellana was trying-and failing-to keep off her face, she knew exactly where his mind had wandered to. He was sure he must be blushing all the way to his ears, but was still having to fight to keep what he was sure would be a stupid smile off his own face.

~*~

The words on the page blurred as he yawned wide enough to crack his face in two. A soft thump on his desk made him jump as Ellana placed a mug next to his elbow.  
“You truly were sent by Andraste.” He grinned as the smell of coffee reached his nose.  
“Inquisitor, Herald of Andraste, provider of coffee. It has a ring to it.” She replied, taking the seat opposite him with her own cup before propping her ankles on the corner of his desk. He glared at her feet until she huffed and put them back on the floor, “Sorry Sir, Commander Sir. I forgot: don't mess with the desk.” The stack of folders under her arm were almost enough to rival his own, catching his look she grimaced, “Yeah, I didn't sign on for this much paperwork.”  
“An Inquisition is hard work, who knew?” Cullen replied sarcastically.  
“We should go on strike, have a protest.” She said, around a yawn of her own.  
“If you're that tired then go to bed. Aren't you going to The Western Approach in the morning?”  
“Nope, if you're working then I'm working. Sleep is for the weak anyway. Apparently.” She said, taking a large mouthful of coffee, “I was passing and saw a light at your window, I could use the company.”  
“Where's everyone else?”  
“It's late, they've already turned in.”  
“Slackers.”  
“Ain't that the truth.” Ellana agreed, raising her cup in toast.  
They worked in companionable silence for a while until Ellana finally gave up.  
“OK, the coffee isn't working.” She said, without looking up from the file she was reading, “Talk to me Cullen, keep me awake.” He'd actually finished some time ago and was reading old reports to hide the fact that he was only there to keep her company.  
“Alright, what do you want to talk about?”  
“Something, anything, Tell me about your family.”  
“My family? Alright, well you already know I grew up in Honnleath, it's a small village in Ferelden. Sometimes it felt like I couldn't turn around without seeing my brother or sisters.”  
“You have siblings?”  
“An older sister and a younger sister and brother. My oldest sister, Mia, and I were very close growing up. She writes often, even if it's just to scold me for not replying as frequently as I should.”  
“I think I like Mia already.” Ellana said with a grin.  
“Yes, you would like Mia. She'd like you too, come to think about it. She never used to let me get away with anything either.”  
“Really? Did you boil her death down to closing rifts too?”  
“Makers breath, are you ever going to let that go?” Cullen asked, with an exasperated sigh,  
“Nope, we're going to be old and grey long before that happens.”  
“Well keep it up and you may find yourself sat here doing paper work on your own.”  
“I'll be good, I'll be good. Tell me about your siblings.”  
“Mmm, we'll see.” said Cullen, disbelief of her declaration of good behaviour evident, “My family was,” he paused, searching for the right word, “...loud.” he finished, making Ellana chuckle,  
“You were the good one I take it?”  
“You'd think so, but not always. I was only young, maybe eight, when I decided I wanted to be a Templar. I would pester my parents endlessly to let me train. I'd bribe my younger siblings to do my chores for me so I'd have more time to practice. Mia always made sure they did. She always believed in me, pushed me to do better.”  
Ellana smiled at the fondness of his tone, “You miss her.”  
“I miss them all.”  
“You should write more often.”  
“I should.” He agreed with a nod.  
“Then why don't you?”  
Cullen sighed, “After Kirkwall I didn't want to drag them into the mess. I guess I was trying to protect them, in a way.”  
“You're not in Kirkwall any longer.”  
“I noticed.” Cullen replied dryly,  
Ellana rolled her eyes, “Would it really hurt to let them know you're safe?”  
“It's complicated. It's been so long.”  
“Doesn't look so complicated from where I'm sitting. So it's been a long time. It'll be awkward at first, but you're always awkward.”  
“I am not awkward.”  
“Don't worry, it's endearing. Like now, look, you're blushing.”  
“It's-it's just warm in here.” Cullen said defensively, even as he could feel the blush creeping up his neck.  
“We're in the mountains Cullen, it's never warm here.” Ellana replied flatly, “Besides, it's cute.”  
“I command an army, I am not cute.”  
“I can bring some soldiers in here and ask them if you like?” Ellana offered, half rising from her chair,  
“Makers breath, no!” His panic sent Ellana into a fit of laughter.  
“You're evil.” He glowered at her as she wiped a tear from the corner of her eye.  
“I know. So apart from your family, anyone else you miss from Honnleath?”  
“No, I was only thirteen when I joined The Templars.” Cullen answered, grateful for the change in subject.  
“How about in Kirkwall?”  
“No, I made few friends there. All my family were still in Ferelden.”  
“No one special caught your interest?” She asked, eyes now firmly locked on the file still in her hands. She'd meant the question to sound casual but he could hear the catch in her voice when she'd asked. He didn't answer until she looked back up at him.  
“Not in Kirkwall.” He forced himself to maintain eye contact, gratified to see he wasn't the only one who could blush. Ellana looked away first, clearing her throat.  
“So, erm, tell me more about Mia.”  
Cullen regaled her with stories of his siblings until he saw her head start to nod over her paperwork. Once she was asleep he took the folder from her lax fingers, covering her with his cloak. Looking through her file he found it was information about The Western Approach but it was a mess. No wonder it took her so long. Pulling her other unread files across the desk he set about organising her paperwork properly. 

Cullen jerked awake to the sound of the large main gate being opened, then groaned at the sharp pain in his neck from falling asleep at his desk. The sounds of voices and hooves got him moving quickly and he got to the window just in time to see Ellana and her companions pass the outer gate and head down the mountain pass. He was no longer surprised by the clench in his stomach as he watched them ride away. He asked the Maker to keep them safe and to bring them back quickly before turning to his desk to begin his own day. In his haste he hadn't noticed the note Ellana had left upon waking.

C.  
You're cute when you're asleep too.  
Write to your sister, what you say doesn't matter. She just wants to hear from you.  
E.

Fine, Cullen thought, pulling paper towards himself with a grin. If he didn't then Ellana would probably get the address from Leliana and do it herself. The last thing he needed to give either of them was more ammunition. Maker help him if those two started communicating. 

~*~ 

All the information they received from The Western Approach was bad news. The Grey Wardens were being used by Coryepheus to summon his demon army. The mages were performing blood magic rituals, using the warriors as sacrifices, then binding the demons they dragged through the veil. Hawk and her Grey Warden friend, Stroud, had tracked them back to Adamant Fortress, an ancient Grey Warden stronghold. They were going to have to attack to stop them. An unpopular but necessary action. While Ellana finished some business in The Western Approach, Cullen and the others had been busy planning their assault. By the time she returned they had everything prepared.  
The Inquisition itself was going from strength to strength. He was nervous about the upcoming battle at Adamant Fortress, he'd have to been insane not to be, but they'd prepared well. They were moving out with their full army the next day, everything was ready.  
Cullen was on his way back to his office after conferring with Josephine about the trebuchets they had on loan from one of the local nobles, when he came across Ellana. She was pacing the battlements outside his office, hands tapping out a rhythm on her leg.  
“Ellana, what can I do for you?”  
“I need to talk to you, if you have some time?” She said in a rush. He hadn't seen her this agitated in some time, especially when it was just the two of them.  
“Certainly, come in.” He said, moving to open his door for her. She eyed the soldiers that were posted just outside his office and shook her head,  
“Actually, can you come for a walk?” When he just looked baffled she rolled her eyes before looking pointedly at the guards, “Alone?” Cullen swallowed, ah.  
“Alone? Yes, of course.”  
They walked to one of the quieter areas of the battlements, the silence was thick between them and Cullen desperately tried to think of something to say. His brain had evidentially decided now was the perfect time to abandon him however, when he opened his mouth and,  
“It's a nice day.” Tumbled out. He could have kicked himself, Smooth Rutherford, very smooth, he thought with a groan.  
“What?”  
“It's a nice-never mind, there was something you wished to discuss?”  
“Certainly not the weather.” She muttered before taking a deep breath and straightening her spine. “Cullen, I care for you, a lot actually, but-” she stopped, averting her eyes and biting on her bottom lip.  
But?! He forced himself to ask the question, “What's wrong?”  
She looked back up at him, “But I'm a mage. I don't know what you've been through, but I've guessed enough. I'm a mage, could you ever see me as anything more?”  
That was it?? That's what she was worried about? Her magic?? He could see insecurity in every line of her face, could see how much it was costing her to not fall back into the security and confidence of her Inquisitor mask. To just be vulnerable.  
“I could, I mean I do.” He blurted out, “Think of you. And what I might say in this sort of situation.”  
“What's stopping you?” She asked, turning to lean on the wall.  
“You're The Inquisitor, we're at war, I didn't think it was possible.”  
With one lift of her shoulders she brushed off everything he'd been worried about since Haven, “And yet I'm still here.”  
He took a few slow steps closer, “So you are. It seems too much to ask, but I want to.” Hands that had been itching to touch her for weeks slid to her waist, he inched closer, tilted his head, so close he could count her eyelashes, the light dusting of freckles on her nose, could feel her breath on his lips-a door banged open.  
You have got to be kidding!!  
“Commander Cullen. You wanted a copy of Sister Leliana's report.”  
Cullen let his head fall forward to rest on Ellana's chest for a moment. He almost laughed. Almost.  
“What?” He growled rounding on the scout.  
“Sister Leliana's report? You wanted it delivered without delay.”  
Cullen gave the scout his best Commander glare until the man finally seemed to get that he was intruding.  
“Or to your office? Right.” He hurried backwards so quickly it was a wonder he didn't fall over. He did, at least, have the sense to close the door behind him.  
“Cullen, if you need to-”  
Don't gamble today for tomorrow.  
Before anything else could happen he took her face in his hands and covered her mouth with his own. She squeaked, it was....adorable. He had a brief moment to wonder when exactly he'd started thinking about The Inquisitor as adorable, before she surged up onto her toes to kiss him back, pushing every thought from his mind as she arms wrapped around his neck. Her lips were soft and warm under his, her mouth perfectly moulded to fit his own. It was everything he thought it would be and more, as he slipped an arm around her waist, pulling her closer, she came eagerly, pressing her body flush against him, stealing the air from his lungs.  
He pulled back, suddenly breaking the kiss,  
“I'm sorry, that was, um,” he couldn't stop the grin that broke out on his face, “Really nice.”  
“I believe that was a kiss. But I'm not sure, it's all such a blur. I think I'll need to try again to be sure.” Cullen laughed quietly, lowering his face to hers again before stopping abruptly,  
“But-”  
“Cullen, stop talking.”  
An order he was more than happy to follow.

~*~

And then Adamant happened. And everything came crashing down.

~*~

He'd been so sure he'd thought of everything and Ellana had nearly died. Again. The demons were back. Whispering. Taunting him. If he'd been taking lyrium would he have seen something he'd missed? Why did he take it for The Chantry but refuse to take it for The Inquisition? It was Haven all over again. But worse. The moment between the others falling through the rift and Ellana following them stretched out in his dreams. He couldn't do it any more.

As soon as they arrived back at Skyhold he pulled Cassandra into a side building.  
“I need you to recommend a replacement for me.”  
“What? Cullen you've-”  
“No Cassandra. I need you to find someone else. I won't leave The Inquisition, I'll stay, I'll fight, but I'll not lead.”  
“Is this because of what happened at Adamant? No one could have predicted-”  
“You can't know that. I swore I wouldn't take lyrium again, I can't be bound to The Chantry again, I won't. But I can't lead. Not like this.”  
“No.” Was Cassandra's abrupt reply, she crossed her arms over her chest, her glare daring him to challenge her. He started pacing the confines of the small room,  
“You swore that if my ability to lead was compromised you'd find a replacement for me.”  
“And I intend to keep that promise but it's not necessary. With or without the lyrium you're still the best person for the job.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, praying for patience, “You asked for my opinion and I've given it. Why would you expect it to change?”  
“I expect you to keep your word, it's relentless, I can't-”  
“You give yourself too little credit.”  
“If I fail to keep the vows I've kept then nothing good has come of this. The work we've done with the ex-Templars? All of that is gone. How can we help them when I can't even stop myself from taking lyrium? The Inquisition must always come first. If it's a case of step down or start taking the lyrium again then I have to step down. Would you rather save face than admit-” The sound of the door opening stopped him mid sentence, I swear, if that's another scout. But it was Ellana, “We'll continue this later.” He muttered at Cassandra as he moved past Ellana without making eye contact and hurried out the door. 

He took a slow walk around the courtyard, putting off the moment he'd return to his office. His philter still sat in its place on his shelf. He should have gotten rid of it months ago. Removed the temptation. But some part of him had always changed his mind, a reminder, he'd told himself. A reminder of what The Chantry was capable of and what he was doing to break their hold.  
He couldn't put it off forever. He headed back to his office.  
Taking his philter from it's shelf he opened the lid and placed the box on his desk. He could practically smell the lyrium. Could almost hear it singing. Could almost feel the rush of power that would flow through his veins. He could be more, the whispers said in the back of his mind, stronger, faster, braver. What was he without the lyrium? Just one more man with a sword. Nobody. The Inquisition deserves better. Ellana deserves better, the whispers taunted, without the lyrium he was nothing.  
No. Not one more second of his life, his fate, would be out of his control. He picked the box up and flung it at the wall with a cry, barely missing Ellana as she entered his office.  
“Makers breath! I didn't hear you enter.”  
“That seems to happen a lot around here.”  
He shook his head at her, “Forgive me.”  
She nudged the box with a toe, “The box had it coming.” She turned to face him, “Cullen, talk to me.”  
“I swear, I didn't know you were-” Pain strong enough to double him over raced through his body, Ellana rushed forward but he held up a hand keeping her back. It passed after a few moments but he kept his head down,  
“I never meant for this to interfere.”  
“I know. Are you going to be alright?”  
“Yes.” His answer was as automatic as hers normally was. She tilted her head to one side, waiting for him to look up.  
“I thought we didn't do that.” She said softly, “Are you going to be alright?”  
“I don't know.” He answered honestly, “You asked me once what happened to Ferelden's Circle? It was taken over by abominations. The Templars-my friends, were slaughtered.” He turned from her to stare unseeingly out the window, the screams still ringing in his head after all this time. “I was tortured. They tried to break my mind and I-” He let out a mirthless laugh that sounded ugly, even to his own ears, “How can you be the same person after that? Still, I wanted to serve. They sent me to Kirkwall. I trusted my Knight-Commander, and for what? Hmm? Her fear of mages ended in madness.” He closed his eyes and could still see it as though it had happened yesterday. Mages and Templars at war. Innocent people trapped in the middle. Maker, there had been so many of them. Men, women and children, cut down where they stood. Their city turned into a war zone. Buildings collapsing around them. Fighting everywhere they turned, no escape. The Templars who were supposed to protect them suddenly becoming monsters to be feared. “The Circle fell, innocent people died in the streets. Can't you see why I want nothing to do with that life?”  
“Of course I can. I-”  
“Don't.” He bit out, “You should be questioning what I've done.” He began to pace, to try to keep control of the anger, but he could already feel it starting to slip. Could feel his voice straining into a shout. “I thought this would be better, that I would regain some control over my life, but these thoughts won't leave me. How many lives depend on our success? I swore myself to this cause. I will not give less to The Inquisition than I gave The Chantry. I should be taking it,” He lashed out, punching the shelves. As books dropped to the floor the fight went out of him, arm still on the book shelves, he hung his head. “I should be taking it.” This time when he said it, it was a whisper. He'd expected her to run, to cower and be afraid. He was wrong.  
“This doesn't have to be about The Inquisition.” She stepped between his body and the bookshelf, “Cullen, look at me.” She waited until he dragged his eyes up to meet hers, “Is this what you want?”  
“No,” he said on a sigh, letting his arm fall, “But these memories have always haunted me. If they become worse, if I-if I cannot endure this....”  
She placed a hand on his chest, “You can.” And she believed it. He searched her eyes for doubt and found nothing but conviction. He dropped his forehead to hers and rested there. Small, warm hands cupped his jaw,  
“I was stronger on the lyrium, better-” Cullen whispered,  
“And that's where you're wrong.” She whispered back, one hand stealing around to ease the muscles on the back of his neck, “Don't you realise that The Inquisition doesn't want you for what the lyrium gave you, but for what you are without it? You are so much stronger than the lyrium, Cullen. I swear to you, you are more than this. And you can do it.”  
He wrapped his arms around her back, feeling her warmth seep into his hands and tried to believe her. That he was more than The Chantry made him. That maybe he wasn't as broken as he thought he was.  
She tilted her head up to press her lips to his forehead, his temple, the corner of his mouth. With every kiss the whispers receded, quietened. The realisation hit him like a lightning bolt, regardless or whether he believed it or not, she did. For now that was more than enough.  
She gave him a few moments before pulling away slightly and rummaging in her pocket. Withdrawing a small vial, she dropped it into his hand, “Adan finished the sleeping draught. Please Cullen, sleep.” She kissed him gently on the mouth and nudged him towards his sleeping quarters, “I'll be here when you wake up.”

Cullen's sleep was mercifully dreamless and he felt remarkably well rested when he awoke. Pulling his clothes on he descended into his office to find Ellana hunched over his desk, half obscured by the old books they'd found about lyrium.  
“Hey,” She said when she heard him enter, straightening in the chair and stretching her arms over her head, “The sleeping draught works then. How're you feeling?”  
“Like I've slept properly for the first time in months. How long did I sleep?”  
“Around a day and a half.” His eyebrows shot up in surprise, he knew he'd slept well but hadn't realised it had been for that long.  
“You've been here all that time?” She looked away, a blush colouring her cheeks.  
“I've got plenty to keep me busy.” He walked around the desk to drop a kiss on the top of her head, she looked up at him in concern, “You're really feeling better?”  
“Yes. Well, better than I was at any rate.” He amended, perching on the edge of the desk.  
“Is it always that bad?”  
“The pain comes and goes, that's manageable. But the memories of the tower.....sometimes I feel as though I'm back there. I should not have pushed myself so far that day. Now I can put some distance between myself and everything that happened,” he shrugged, “It isn't much, but it's a start.”  
“It is a start, but don't belittle yourself by thinking it isn't much. It's huge. Do you have any idea the kind of strength it takes to come through the things you have? To get through all that and be a better man at the end? That's beyond strength.”  
He looked thoughtful for a moment, “You know, I've never told anybody what truly happened to me at Ferelden's Circle. I was not myself after that. I was angry, for years that anger blinded me. I'm not proud of the man that made me. The way I saw mages, I'm not sure I would have cared about you. The thought of that-” He turned his gaze from her, ashamed. Ellana reached out and took his hand, squeezing his fingers until he looked back at her again.  
“For what it's worth, I like who you are now.”  
“Even after...” She rose to her feet, coming to stand between his knees and placing a hand on his shoulder.  
“Cullen, I care about you. You've done nothing to change that.” He tugged her closer before stopping to glare at the door, “What?” Ellana asked,  
“I'm waiting for a scout to walk in.”  
“Oh yeah, about that.” Ellana winced, “I didn't want you to be disturbed. So as far as anyone knows, you're actually not in Skyhold at the moment.” She at least had the decency to look slightly guilty,  
“If I'm not in the Skyhold, then where am I?”  
“Attending to a family crisis.” Her look quickly shifted from guilty to a sly grin, “Your aunt is sick.”  
“I don't have an aunt.”  
“You do now. Aunt Ida. She's very sick, death's door by all accounts, poor thing. All she wanted was to see her favourite nephew one more time.” She sighed dramatically, “It's all very sad.”  
“Ellana, you did not just create a fictitious aunt so I could sleep.” Cullen said with a laugh,  
“Yeah, I kinda did. And if you don't want the deaths of more made up family members on your conscience then you really need to fit locks in here. You're actually not due back until some time tonight.”  
“I see. And what, exactly, am I supposed to do for the rest of the afternoon?”  
“Oh, I don't know Cullen,” She said with a wicked grin, sliding her hands up his arms to wrap around his neck, “You've got a good imagination. I'm sure you'll think of something.”


End file.
